What Do You Do When Chronic Pain Robs You Of Your Identity?
February 2, 2009 by Bonnie Boots
Filed under General News
One day I left the house a healthy, intelligent, successful business owner. When I returned, I was a pain patient, unable to work, unable to walk without assistance, unable to think clearly, unable to do almost everything that made up my life until… …until an uninsured driver with a suspended license and no permanent address swerved in and out of my life in seconds.
And in seconds the life I knew was over.
From that moment on, my life was a blur of doctors and therapists asking me where it hurt. "On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?"
But none of them every asked me about the pain of losing my sense of self. If they had, I would have told them it was every bit as deep and devastating as the pain I felt in my back, my hands and knees. It hurt as bad and it took as long to heal.
Before pain, I was proud of my intelligence, proud of my independence, proud of my accomplishments. Proud, especially of my work. After pain, I had nothing to be proud of. Everyone who saw me, saw me as a victim. Someone to be sorry for. Someone to pity.
Friends dropped away. One couple, announcing they wouldn't be visiting anymore, said, "It just hurts us too much too see you like this. You never laugh anymore."
It's a testament to my addled state of mind that I thought I had disappointed them! But pain does that to you. It makes you pathetic and needy and most of all guilty. Guilty of not hugging your kids, of not making love to your spouse, of not being as much fun, of not wanting to do anything anymore.
Everyone who discovers that pain has become a constant in his or her life suffers from a loss of identity. And yet almost no one address this. It's not studied. No one holds seminars on it. No one helps you though it.
I once thought this loss of identity was harder for men to bear. Women, I told myself, at least have the luxury of being able to cry about it openly. But after working with so many people in support groups, I came to see that it affects all equally, women as well as men, and that it ripples out, like a stone cast into water, touching everyone around them.
When I was injured, I lost myself. My husband lost the woman he married. And the ripples grew…
So let's talk about it here. Let's go public with the fact that our egos are often as damaged as our broken bones or frayed nerve endings, and healing them is just as important a part of our health and recovery. What has pain robbed from you, besides physical health? How are you dealing with this? What advice can you offer to others who are struggling though the loss of their former identity? What hope can you give to those who feel lost, and wonder if they will ever find themselves? The comment box is here for you to share your thoughts and feelings.
### Bonnie Boots publishes Pain Health News to provide information and motivation to people living with chronic pain. You can stay in touch with her by typing your email address into the subscribe box in the upper right corner of this page.
I lost many valuable years being in pain from fibro and sleep apnea. The doctors took ten years to figure it out and my life spiraled slowly downwards to nothingness. It will take may years to recover from this, if ever. I used to soothe myself thinking that at least I did a lot of inner spiritual work while my body slept and that I was burning off lots of Karma when in pain. Many times I wished I could slip away from this world, just to get some relief. I understand that we are developing spiritually the whole time and if we hang in there perhaps we won’t be completly healed but there may be a new drug or treatment avaliable all of a sudden that can help us. Love in Spirit, Gunvi
Gunvi, I do believe that suffering pain can lead to spiritual development. I also know that it can lead to personal development. The old maxim says “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” Because I was so challenged by pain, I had to work “inner muscles” I hadn’t developed before–muscles named “courage” and “determination” and “patience.” I’m a much stronger and more capable person today because pain taught me what I was capable of.
Lonelyness especially when linked to illness is really tough to bear, but here follows my simple view & what I find helps me.
It all seems well to begin with, your work colleages keep in touch or call around to visit & so do your friends but slowly as you are unable to get about & you can’t keep social events or go to the pub(bar), your contacts begin to fall away.
It is natural when you think about it, the office has to run efficiently, the social scene carries on & the talk is all about the good topical events no-one wants to be reminded of illness so we begin to fade as far as their memory is concerned. In short people get on with their lives. Unfortunately this doesn’t help with the problem & feelings of being alone & the despair that goes with it. On the other hand if we were to openly ask our friends about this they would be horrified that we would ever think such a thing.
I have battled with these feelings for the past five years, initially you can convince yourself that it will only be temporary then you can revert to normality, but when that term slips by then what?
As I have mentioned previously I am lucky to have a caring wife who is also a Staff Nurse, she still works & helps wherever she can but I am alone when she is at work. I know that she keeps a close eye on my mood & state of mind but at the end of the day I am a fairly positive person & I am used to working alone & generally looking after my own problems. It is not easy to discuss feelings of stress or anxiety, that was until a year following the death of my Father, when I suddenly found myself out of control, I fell apart & I didnt know why, at least not at that point. It was only after a course of counseling that I understood why it had come to this & what steps to take in order to avoid or lessen the risk of it happening again. Well that was the idea.
I believe the trick is to keep busy & in the case of a lack of mobility then keep the mind busy. I have come to accept that my condition is not going to improve much in the way of mobility & my pain control gives me concerns.
However the thing that has saved me from total despair has been being able to use my laptop.
I have been looking into alternatives to my old occupation as a financial advisor, the main aims are to reduce the amount of driving I did & to maintain the same level of income.
The more I searched the more I grew interested in working online, so with this in mind I have looked into several different ways of earning online. I am now getting to the stage where I have sufficient knowledge to allow me to move forward in this capacity. I just need to build my technical skills:)
It doesn’t matter what it is, My advice is to get comfortable & keep busy.
Good Luck To All